It has been a long day at work. Clients were complaining. The boss was being difficult. And, Jim, who has no business being in the job he has, got yet another mention in a company wide email. At least I can take some comfort in my time at the gym after work.
Or, so I thought.
There are days when going to the gym is like a cross between Lord of the Flies and the basement of my old fraternity house on a Sunday morning. Ick with a side of, “Oh God, what the hell is that?!?”
There are basic rules of etiquette that you would think would be a given when using a public facility. Since they obviously are up for debate, let me give the animals some basic lessons in manners.
- Wow, you really worked up a sweat. Impressive. However, I don’t need to discover it after I put my hands on the handrails of the elliptical machine when my hands now feel like I just ate 2 dozen blue crabs. Wipe it up please.
- To the gentleman in the bathroom stall: how is it that everyone here knows you need to go see a gastroenterologist, and you don’t? You are killing my motivation.
- I respect my elders. However, I lose a little of that respect when Merle insists on sitting down naked on the bench for 15 minutes while powdering his feet. And, put those toenail clippers away until you get home. The bench looking like a Rorschach Test after he stands up is creeping me out.
- Howdy, pardner! Miss Kitty will be down in a few minutes, so why don’t you get yourself some Red Eye while you are waiting? Oh, but do us all a favor and refrain from using the water fountain as a spittoon while you are here. Don’t let the saloon doors hit you in the butt on the way out.
- There are several places for gum. I prefer it stays in your mouth. I certainly bet the clean up crew does not prefer it to be left in the urinal.
- As a corollary of the above, urinals have a singular purpose. So do the showers. Do not get efficient on me. Please do not let both of them having a drain confuse you.
- You got the dumbbells from a rack. I know they are heavy. That is why they work so well. Put them back in a not so random fashion.
- For all you frustrated NY Deli owners out there: stop making “plate sandwiches”. Putting them back on the weight tree in a “big plate, small plate, big plate” fashion make it hard to get what I need. It’s a pretty simple concept.
- No eating in the the locker please. See rules 2-7 for the reasons why.
- Finally, when I am buck naked, this is not the time to start a conversation about how my workout was, what I do for a living, and certainly not what I am doing this weekend. To each his own, but leave me alone.
I don’t mean to be persnickety, but I am just trying to get out of here without catching cholera.
